'I wish I wasn't aspergers,' she said. 'I don't,' I said.

I've had a pretty hectic weekend, with a trip to the zoo, a family wedding, a car breakdown, and a game of rugby in the space of 3 days. But one thing over the weekend has stuck in my head more than anything. After a meltdown on the rugby pitch where my other half took herself off in the middle of the first half we got into the car and she told me 'I wish I wasn't Aspergers sometimes.'

Immediately I took up the other side of the argument, 'if you didn't have Aspergers you wouldn't be you, and I love you' approach. But the more I have thought about it, the more I have come to two totally different conclusions. 

If she wasn't aspergers...

For a moment my head run along the lines of what it would be like if she wasn't an aspie. Maybe she would understand things easier at times, she would be able to cope better in everyday situations, she wouldn't stick her foot in it all the time and she wouldn't meltdown so often. Basically the 'negative' aspects of aspergers wouldn't be there and yes I admit at times it could make life easier for both of us.

But she is...

Then I felt terrible for letting my brain run away with those thoughts. The fact is that she is an aspie and you know what, if she wasn’t then she wouldn’t be the person I love. Yes, so I would cringe less at things she said, but then I would laugh a lot less. I wouldn’t have such an outright honest opinion of my hair, my outfit or my weight when I really wanted one. She wouldn’t have obsessions and probably would never have put so much effort into drawing, playing drums, guitar and many of the other incredible talents she has. Her quick little drawings and sketches cheer me up no end when I’ve had a bad day. She wouldn’t have that shy loveable personality that I love. She wouldn’t be so outspoken and willing to stick up for herself or me. In other words, she wouldn’t be her, her personality and interests would be different, and it’s her larger than life character that I love.

And I wouldn’t be who I am. I wouldn’t have learnt to be so patient and willing to listen to others and give them a chance. I wouldn’t be as good as I am at taking criticism or the harsh truth, at times. I wouldn’t be so outspoken and trying to stick up for myself and those I love. I wouldn’t believe that I am capable of some of my big, hard to reach dreams. I wouldn’t know anything about autism and would probably still think of everyone on the spectrum as the strange kid I once sat next to at school.

At the end of the day aspergers is part of who she is, part of who I love, and believing that the whole world will be smelling of roses if she wasn't an aspie is a figment of the imagination.