Keeping the love alive

So we are all told from such an early age that everyone is different. We live in a world that celebrates differences, well most of them. But what happens when these differences can make or break a relationship? Since being with my other half I've had to learn patience and how to listen, not just to what she is saying but what she means, and not to always jump to the worst case scenario. Likewise, I'm sure she's learnt not to make sure I can hear or that nagging comes too naturally to me, and to take me for all my little faults.


It's not easy taking someone for all their faults and imperfections but it is something that is needed for any relationship to work. Even more so, when one of us is an aspie.

To say or not to say?

Many a time my partner and I have been somewhere, talking to someone and I've had that 'uh-oh' moment where she says something off topic or something that surprises both me and who she is talking to. I used to be embarrassed by it, I used to stop her mid sentence and try to steer the conversation onto something different. At times this worked, other times it just caused arguments between us. I couldn't understand why she would say such things, and she wouldn't understand why I would be upset. 

Then, talking to her Mum, it finally made sense to me. 

Her mum described it similar to a coffee pot without a filter. Everyone has a filter that they use in conversation. It sorts out the right responses and sorts thoughts into what can be said and what can't be said. Like a coffee pot filters the water and coffee through without letting the ground beans into the cup. 

In those with Aspergers this coffee filter is torn or, hasn't been put into the machine.

So instead the cup is full of beans, water and all. Instead of having that filter to pull to the side things that should not be said, everything comes through, leading to those 'uh-oh' awkward moments.

 It's an example that I think of now when in social situations and the other half starts going on a tangent of hers. And once again, we have another code word. We decided when talking about it with her mother, that in some situations it would not be right to forget the filter and let everything through. Now, instead of getting upset or angry, I simply remind her 'coffee pot' or 'filter' and if she still doesn't get the hint, I change the subject.

Remember it, use it, and tell others. I'm sorry but she's a 'coffee pot head'. It gets a few funny looks, but once explained it's just something that sticks with others. 

Filter on or off, she's my 'Coffee pot'

Plan, plan and plan again.

I've never been a great one for plans. I have always seemed to let things happen, let other people take the lead or even 'go with the flow'. In other words I forget what I have said to whom and have to constantly back track and change plans once I have made them. No matter how organised I try to be, it just doesn't come naturally to me and that's just how I am.

It's never been a great problem, everyone who knows me well knows my lack of social organisaton and they tend to let me go with it. Sure I've upset a few people forgetting birthdays and whatnot. But in the end it has always kinda worked itself out.

Then I met my partner.

At first, as I work in London Monday-Friday we used to plan a week in advance when we were seeing each other. Every Friday after work  I was going round hers for the night and then we stayed at mine or hers Saturday night. It worked well and never caused a problem.

Then came the day I changed plans. In passing one weekend I was asked if I would stay at hers, and as usual I said yes, sure. It wasn't until the day itself that I remembered a family event.

I tried to change the plans, cancel on her and tell her I would make it up on the weekend. But as all those who know autism will say, it's not as simple as that. Changing plans is a big deal, there is no, we can do it tomorrow. It's more, I expected this to be happening and now it's not I don't know how to deal with this, reaction.

So after a few missed plans and failed attempts and scheduling. And yes, a few times I've upset her and made different plans or changed things (not without a near meltdown or two). I've become more organised, started writing down what I am meant to be doing and when. And she's learnt not to plan too far ahead and we will work out what we do on the weekend during the week. That way, if plans do drastically change there may be some wiggle room.

Because Mother knows best

I am thankful that I have a great relationship with my partners’ parents. Both of them have been supportive from the start and very truthful. Her mum and I in particular often talk about the quirks that come with Asperger’s syndrome. Having brought my partner up for nearly 23 years, who better to advise me than her mum?

At times She’s laughed at my comments and told me what I experience is very toned down to what it used to be. I remember when commenting on food and the Steak wrap fiasco. She simply said 4 in two weeks is nothing, I remember the jacket potato phase and the cornflake phase, they lasted years. At first it made me panic, ‘if this is nothing what have I got myself in for’. But her mum made it clear that things have changed over the years and she is not as bad as she was as a teenager.

Certain things have stayed the same, like her wanting the hall light on at night. (Which I kind of like as I’m scared of the dark too). But other things, like her eating and her ability to deal with situations have changed.

Having someone to talk to that knows her so well and can be reassuring. And I’ve learnt a lot from her, like the ‘don’t you dare’ eyebrow raise that stops my other half mid sentence, or the way she likes her cereal in the morning.

No matter how silly or trivial, I can always turn to her mum and ask anything. They always say mothers know best. So, if you have a child (no matter how old) with aspergers. Keep in mind that their friends and partners can learn a lot from what you have to say. Just don’t go through all the quirks and obsessions at once.

Sickness and hospitals

So this is a little off topic, but it's something I feel like I need to write about.

Recently a close relative was taken into hospital. after waiting forever for an ambulance he was rushed into 'Resus'.

Luckily, he is on the mend and back home being spoilt rotten by everyone and anyone that loves him. But one thing really stuck in my head.

When talking about his time in the hospital, especially the time he spent in resus he simply said: 'At that point if I had fallen asleep and never woken up again, I couldn't care less.'

It's something that really hit home with me, and really upset me too. I've never seen this family member anything but strong, and to see them in such a vulnerable position and hear them saying they didn't care if they ever woke up is heart wrenching.

I guess it puts things into perspective and really proves that even the strongest of us are not immortal.

Even Achillies had a weakness