Too much of a good thing.

I recently talked with my partner about trying new foods when we eat out. I know she has an issue with trying new things and doesn’t like to sway away from what she knows and feels safe with. And yes, like many, she fears that eating something new/different to what she is used to will make her ill.

I’ve never forced her into trying new things, I learnt pretty quickly it wasn’t worth the stress or arguments. We have spoken about food though and she promised that she would branch out and try something new.

So two weeks ago we sat in Frankie & Benny’s ordering dinner and instead of the usual ‘I want a margarita pizza’, I was faced with ‘I want a steak wrap’. After reasoning that steak was a safe thing to eat as in some places, it is eaten raw, she jumped into unknown waters and ordered it off the menu.

By the time that it arrived I was waiting for a sour face and an ‘I wish I had ordered plain pizza’. Instead she turned around and said she really enjoyed it. We both agreed that it was good to try something new and nothing more was said of it. (I didn’t want to cause too much fuss and make her feel uncomfortable or stop her trying something new again)

Not all so good.

However, little did I know that once it was decided, steak wrap was good, it would become a new thing. In the last 2 weeks we have been out twice for steak wrap and cooked a DIY version ourselves twice.

I can’t complain and I shouldn’t, she tried something new. But part of me, even if it is a little part, is wondering how many more times can steak wrap be on the menu before I can’t face it anymore.

Maybe I should get her to try ten different dishes at once? Then at least that will be ten different things to cook on repeat? Or on the other hand,  maybe I should be more accommodating and cook what she likes and something else for me if I really don’t want it?

What I know now... sometimes and only sometimes you can have too much of a good thing.

Communication

Once again, I am sat here thinking of what to write next and the subject of communication comes up. For some, I know it is hard to communicate with others, to say how we feel or to tell someone what is going wrong when something is up.

I stress again that everyone of us is different, aspie or not. Each person deals with things in a different way, especially confrontation and being open about one's feelings. Me, I'm not a great one for confrontation, I'm a wimp and I do all I can to sidetrack when asked questions / having to face something head on.

In some ways, being with my partner has taught me that sometimes the best thing to do is to discuss things upfront. The fact that she struggles with subtle hints and tact has forced me to be better at communication and facing the facts.

At times I have used suggestion, as most people do. 'You know I don't think a lot of people like that' instead of 'I don't like that' and all sorts. But when the reply is an 'I think they do' and not what I was expecting, it could have gone two ways. I could get annoyed with every missed hint and just hold it against her, or I could be more obvious, say what I mean and make sure I am straight to the point. (For someone who has spent their entire life going off on tangents, this has been hard).

Communication is the core of everything. Go for a day without talking to anyone, without making eye contact and you will start to see just how much we rely on communicating with those around us to get by in the world. From a nod to let someone else off the train for you, to opening a door, saying thank you or talking to your colleagues about work.

For something so vital to our daily life, sometimes it might be better to get straight to the point and not give 102 reasons behind it.

Does autism awareness month annoy you?

So I’ve read a few posts about Autism Awareness Month. Some are positive, they say how much it means to make others aware of autism. To show people that autism is not something to be scared of and to break down the social barriers and negative stigma that surround it. Others, however, talk of how annoying autism awareness month is to them.

One post in particular, 'Autism Awareness, Acceptance... Whatever' goes on to blast newspapers and reports that discuss autism in terms of it’s causes. Stating that such stories, as I agree, should not be focused on. Whether autism is hereditary, caused by birth trauma, or any one of a number of different reasons. At the end of the day, it’s not the cause that needs talking about. And as C. S. Wyatt says, such articles are just annoying.

Another point C S Wyatt adds ‘autism is a daily reality not limited to a month or year’. The idea that one month can make others aware of a lifelong condition. Is this enough time?

So what is it? A chance to make others aware of autism and how it affects millions across the world, or, another excuse to name a month after something that doesn’t really effect or help those it’s aimed at.

What do you all think?

Autism Art Exhibition

So recently I've got on board with the Autism Art Exhibition. I found them on twitter and have since spoken to them about my partner contributing to the event and have been asked to write a little piece about my blog.

In some ways this is a blessing in disguise. My other half is a talented artist and wants to exhibit her work. This is the very opportunity she's been waiting for. And for me, any exposure of my blog and anything I can do to help others understand what it is like to be with someone who has aspergers, then my job is done. I write this blog because in some ways I want to take away the barriers and stigma that have been built up against autism and aspergers. And this exhibition aims to do that exactly, to educate, inform and just showcase what talented and amazing people are out there. That autism is only part of that person and maybe the focus should be on the positive and talents that come with being on the spectrum.

When I was talking about this in the office I was asked if segregating herself and making a point of her autism was the right thing to do. My answer, it's part of her and it is something that in some ways shapes her. It affects her socially and it means she is obsessive over her special interest, which is drawing. Without aspergers, this obsession or special interest may not even exist. So in some ways its celebrating her art and how with aspergers she has become interested in art. And in all fairness, any showcase of her work and chance to let people see just what she can do, well isn't that important?


The Autism Art Exhibition is a way for people all over to contribute with their work, artists from all over the world have got involved. And it's a chance to really show off the variety of talents that those with autism have. The exhibition opens on June 7th and is running for a month in Yorkshire with plans to tour the UK in the future. For more information take a look at the exhibition page. It's worth it!

A little bit of graffiti

Single minded spontaneity

I feel like most of the time I am writing about differences in my relationship, things that we struggle with and things that we have to work out and overcome. Like her lack of tact or her brutal honesty, times when she doesn't want to talk or when she's fussy with her food. But I don't write enough about the good things and the happy things and everything we do, and she does to make me smile.

It's easter this weekend and we went shopping at lakeside today. Halfway through the trip, knowing we have nothing for easter planned she suggests going on a secret bunny mission. Basically there were two rules, we had one hour and we couldn't spend too much.

I spent most of the hour in a blind panic, I brought something useful, a bin for the car and something silly, a bubble gun. I thought I was doing really well and had one other thing in mind. Apparently, the book I was asking for in Waterstones doesn't exist. So I hit a brick wall. And I got a phone call asking me to come back because time was up.

We met back up and I start pulling price stickers off of what I had brought and she passes me over a shinny silver box. (At this point I was starting to think this was planned). I opened the box to find a card and a monkey beanie boo. Then she pulls out a pandora bag from her jumper. She got me the heart with love in 6 different languages on it. Before admitting she had planned everything, from coming to Lakeside this morning to trying to figure out how to keep me busy while she went into the pandora shop. Talk about organisation and planning (and scheming, there was a little scheming going on!)

My bubble gun and bin looked inferior. But the smile on her face was just as big as the smile on mine. So for once I hadn't got a master plan or even realised what was going on, but it was a lovely surprise.

Whoever said aspires can't love or feel the same as anyone else is a liar. As I've said before, she has more than enough love to give, but just had to find the right person for it. And for me, I'm the lucky one she picked!

My new gift... just as good as a bubble gun =P

Because 'tact' is not her middle name

Nearly everyone out there can relate to those times you're feeling down and your fishing for a compliment. When you are having a bad day and you just want someone to tell you that things are not as bad as you thought. You turn to the ones you love, make a comment about yourself, usually something negative or something that's upsetting you and you await the reply. You wait for something that will make you smile.

Well, as you can guess, situations like these don't always go to plan.

Aspergers is known to have an affect on communication and how a person socialises. In particular my other half struggles with social cues, knowing what is the right thing to say at the right time. And I have one example in particular which I will be using for this.

As I was describing above. This was one of those such days that you want a compliment. I was having a bad day at work and then I happened to see a photo of myself. And this photo, well it wasn't the most flattering. I was shocked at the person that was looking back at me. I know I had been lacking on the exercise front and making up for it on the munching side, and that I was very good at.

So, fishing as you do for a compliment to make me feel better I text my other half. And her response wasn't quite what I was looking for. Instead of the 'I'm sure it's just the angle' or 'it's just the colour that doesn't look good on you' or even 'the photographer wasn't great', I got a little too honest reply.

'You're a bit overweight but I've seen worse'

My first reaction was to argue, to be annoyed with her and to get upset. My weight has always been a sensitive subject and for her to tell me that I was a little overweight was hurtful. So instead of getting upset about it I changed the subject. I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

I told a few people about this and some of them cringed the others laughed. One in particular asked me what I expected from an aspie. Now at least I can laugh about it. I know she wasn't being offensive. She's honest and blunt, but that's how she is. Next time when I am searching for a compliment I'll go to someone else. And when I want someone to be less tactful then I will ask her.

So yes, it has got me back on the bike (my legs are killing after the 20 miles I did yesterday) and in some ways it gave me the kick into action that I needed. But in others, more importantly, I know that tact just may not be in her dictionary.

Sorry folks!

So guys, I haven't written in a few days. I feel bad. I know that to anyone out there who reads this and has apergers that routine is important. I know first hand how going away from that routine can affect you.

From having to wake up at a different time to finding out dinner one friday night isn't Toad in the Hole but something else served up on the plate. It doesn't matter how good the dinner is, it's not what you expected so you instantly take a dislike to it.

Sometimes, these situations sounds silly. To anyone else food is food and any dish you like cooked by someone else is good, no matter what day it is. Sometimes, I feel that in writing this blog I am making my partner look bad. That others will have negative opinions based on the situations used. And I generally worry that by writing this I may give her a bad name.

To all those who are aspies or understand what it is like to know/live with someone who has aspergers I hope I gain your support and your trust in this blog. Because you can relate to this and in some ways I can relate to your lives too.

But I guess that these worries and fears are what everyone with aspergers or everyone who loves someone who has it experiences day in day out. Hopefully by reading this some may see the good as well as the challenges of aspergers. If what I write changes how one person views aspergers or is of any help, then that's my job well done.

The worlds just too noisy sometimes

Anyone who reads this blog can relate to those off days where everything feels that little bit too noisy and you feel like the world is shouting around you. Most, I think, would say thats pretty much like being hungover. That groggy feeling where your head is banging and you want nothing more than to stay under the covers until the pain has stopped and the world has become a quieter place.

From the Aspies I've spoken to and all the time I've spent with my partner I've seen those days where everything is too overwhelming and doing the talking and being outside can just seem too much.

What do I do when she's having days like this?
I leave her to it. I've learnt from trying to force her out into the open world and chat away ends up in both of us being a bundle of stress and the odd argument or two.

When these days come, like most things, they jump up and bite you in the ass when you least expect it. Sometimes it's from the moment she wakes up, she's not spoken in half an hour and I know by now its just one of those days. Other times it just happens, suddenly it hits her and the silence begins.

What helps?
Communication, when she's not in the mood to talk she will either tell me or she will sign it. Being partially deaf I've been trying to teach myself some useful signs and while teaching myself we have learnt together. It's great so I can say I'm hungry, thirsty, want a glass of water or I'm happy or not happy. Its basic, simple, but a great alternative.

Once on the tube she started to sign, overwhelmed by the noise and not feeling like talking, we discussed which stop we were going to and all sorts of silly things (she even though she thought I stank). It was funny and made the time pass easier. Little did we know the guy next to her understood BSL. When we got off the train he said goodbye and nice to meet you.

1. Sometimes the little alternatives can mean a lot and who knows you may make someone else's day too.

Internet dating: it wasn't that bad!

My new found friend Alex Marshall has blogged again. This time he wrote about relationships and the struggle in walking up to someone you like and start up a conversation.

Everyone and anyone, Autistic or not, can relate to that feeling of dread you get when walking up to someone you like and opening your mouth to speak to them for the first time. I've been there and done it myself, had the odd drink thrown over me (on more than one occasion). So I know how bad it can be.

About this time last year my friends had been trying to turn me from the start of a crazy cat lady (I have two) into a social butterfly. I spent many evenings out in Chelmsford drinking away with the rest of them playing the dating game. We used to have this one game. We each had a cheesy chat up line and we had to use it on a stranger during the night. Half the time it ended in disaster, the other half I used it on people I bumped into that I knew (and I got away with it). It soon became clear that drunken nights out were just not the way for me to find a date.

So I turned to internet dating. I set up a profile on a couple of dating sites, took a few selfies posing in the mirror (trying to figure out which side was my best) and hey presto I was on the virtual dating scene.

Rules of the game! 
It didn't take me long before I started learning the rules of the game. Yes, there were plenty of suggestive messages asking for a hook up, a couple of penis photos and some other things I saw that I wish to never ever see again. But through the sea of shit there were some people that spoke to me that were nice, real people that just wanted to find someone. (Most of the time I let someone talk to me first).

I was talking to a someone online at the time, we connected really well and had decided to meet up. That first time nerves never go away, it was still there with internet dating. But I wasn't as terrified, I had spent several hours talking to this person and knew most of their likes and dislikes. Ok, so when we met in person the spark just wasn't there. But hey, it was one step forwards and I'm still friends with her to this day.

Eye catcher.
There were a few others that came and went, and as I started meeting up with more people it felt a little less scary. The fact that you could view profiles, see their likes, dislikes and talk to someone before having to meet up with them for the first time eased the situation a little. Then there was this one profile.

She described herself as a 'jack of all trades, master of none' and said she was 'a little bit odd' but had a great personality. She really caught my eye and so I sucked up the courage and decided to message her first. We spoke every single day for a good week or two. The more I spoke to her, the most interested I was and I wanted to meet up with her.

That's when we first met, I got in her car and we drove to town. I first noticed her smile, her eyes and her laugh. She seemed just as terrified as I was and for some reason that comforted me. Ok, so halfway through the evening her car broke down, and we had to wait 2 hours for the AA. But that's something I will always remember and always laugh about.

About halfway through the evening she told me she had Aspergers. It was a brave move and one that I would hope to say I took in my stride. I understand not everyone would want to tell someone that on the first date. With me, honesty really has been the best policy.

Overall
Internet dating is one of those things that can either work, or end up a complete disaster. But for me, and I know for my partner it helped to ease us both into talking to someone face to face and made the whole dating scene a little easier.

The curse of the hidden disability

The more I read other blog and the more I talk to Aspie's I find one thing keep and keep occurring. And for want of other ways to describe it, I will call it the 'curse of the hidden disability'. I am not Autistic, and I don't feel that I can fully understand what people who are go through. But I have my own issues and disabilities that for this post I feel more comfortable using as my examples.

I, as mentioned before am dyslexic, and (I don't think I have mentioned before) since 2011 I have been wearing a hearing aid.

Hidden

At 16 I started college and pestered the teachers into giving me a test for dyslexia. All the times I had mentioned it in the past I had been ignored. I was stuck to the back of class in English and excelled at Math. The teachers just told me that I needed to accept that words were not my strong point and the letters jumping about didn't really happen. When I was finally told I was dyslexic, I felt relieved to be able to give a name and have a reason behind my inability to read. (My reading age at 16 was less than your average 10 year olds). But dyslexia isn't just about words, it has a lot to do with problems with short term memory and all sorts of things. It means I am often loosing things even straight after I put them down. And it has caused me many a problem, and still does today. Not a day goes past without me using the phrase 'I can't find my...' followed by various items from keys to glasses to phone, you name it, I've lost it. (Yes I've even managed to loose my phone and send myself into a wild panic while talking to someone on it).

When you look at me, you can't instantly tell I have a problem with words. In some ways this is good, I am not judged by my ability to spell when you first glance at me. But in other ways it's a curse. Having to explain over and over again to people when I am writing that I have a problem with words gets tiring. Especially at work. I design newspapers for a living, which means at times I have to sub. I remember one work experience working for the local newspaper and I got the headline of a story 'Angel FC' wrong and spelt it as 'Angle'. The subs in the office roared with laughter and I ran off to cry. Apart from my boss, the others didn't know I was dyslexic and not being able to see that meant that they had left me in tears without realising.

Visible

Then again, I wouldn't always say having a more visible disability makes you better off. A week before my 21st birthday I found out I was partially deaf in my left ear. Within two months I was given my first hearing aid (I'm on number 2 or 3 at the moment). I became very aware of people seeing my aid when they spoke to me and went through a stage of having my hair down. Now, I'm not so bothered, having my hair down all the time was just plain annoying.

When people notice the aid they tend to do one of two things, they shout or they talk to me like I'm stupid. Yes, I can't hear, but I wear an aid to make me hear better, and my right ear is perfect, so talking slowly and loudly is just annoying. I am not stupid, I have a university degree and a high IQ. But because of this little piece of metal over my ear peoples reactions to me change. At times, you can even tell the second they have noticed it, when their volume goes up and their sentences get longer. So simply, no, having a visible disability isn't great either.

Overall

Whether or not your disability is hidden or visible, there are good and bad points for both. From what I've experienced and from talking to others, sometimes the best and easiest way is to out yourself and your differences when you meet someone new. Just be tactful, I can imagine 'Hi I'm Amie and I'm dyslexic and deaf' not always being the best opening line.

Random acts of kindness.

I have always liked to help others, be it opening a door for someone or helping an old lady across the road. I like to help and I like to look after those around me. I've always been the 'Mummy' of the group. Be this on a college camping trip to Norfolk or a night out at uni.  I would be the one found holding my best friends hair back telling her she didn't make a fool of herself while she hugged the toilet bowl at the end of a night out. It's just how I am.

I am even worse with someone I love. I will get up to suprise them with breakfast, sneek their favourite sweets into the cinema, and all sorts of silly things. Ive always thought of these gestures as kindness untill something my other half said one day.

When making breakfast one morning. She was putting my bread in the toaster and turned to me to say 'I don't know how you like someone else making you breakfast, no one else ever does it right.'

This took me by surprise. I've always thought of someone else making my breakfast as a treat. Its nice to have something someone else has done for you. But for a person that likes routine, structure and things to be the same this is a nightmare. It's fair to say I will never offer to make the breakfast, which isn't that bad a deal. But to think of something I consider a treat and to hear it being spoken about like its a nightmare situation, it definitely gave me something to think about.

I will be paying attention before I lavish what I think are good deeds on others in future. As an Aspie told me herself, one persons treat is another person's nightmare.

A healthy obsession?

Just one of her afternoon scribbles

When reading about Aspergers I kept coming across the idea of a 'special talent' or 'special interests'. Basically a task that someone with Aspergers is good at, to the point of obsession. I read a lot about how simple things like maps and drawing or playing an instrument are quite common. My first thought, as it is when anything is described as obsessive, was negative. Having heard of obsessive compulsive disorder or obsessive cleaning or people being described as obsessive. It is a word so commonly used to describe something bad and negative. So can a obsession be healthy or even good?

It's a 'THING'!

When my partner and I first started dating we had to have that awkward meet the parents situation. As I was living away from home at the time we had spent a lot of time together and I had begun to know all her little quirks. What she did and didn't like and she would tell me what made her feel uncomfortable. One of the biggest problems we faced was trying to explain things to my parents. After several hours spent worrying about how to meet the parents, and most of my family, at my Dads birthday (and make her feel as safe as possible) we settled on a code phrase.

'It's a thing'

Aspie or Aspergers

One thing I have noticed recently is the use of Aspie or Aspergers. Looking at a lot of blogs written by those with aspergers like 'Dude, I'm an Aspie'  I have noticed them using aspie. But I've only seen this used by people who have aspergers when referring to themselves.

As a non-aspergers person is it right to be referring to my other half as an aspie. Or is it one of those things you can't really say unless you have it.

Like in rugby, I only use the rugby slang 'uglies' for the forwards because I am one myself, or I only use the terms 'computer geek' or 'design nerd' because I am a self confessed geek that works on computers all day designing things.

I would like to ask anyone who reads this to share their thoughts? Is it rude to use Aspie unless you have Aspergers or has the state of political correctness and fear of being rude made me over think and create an issue that wasn't there?

If there are any other terms you use, what are they?

To touch or not to touch

As I aim to talk openly about different aspects of Aspergers and how they affect me, the topic of physical contact came up. A lot of people with Aspergers find sensory stimulation overwhelming and a lot of articles I've read cover physical contact. As with everything, this is based on my own experiences, everyone with Aspergers is different.

Physical contact is a part of everyday life, from holding someone's hand to giving them a high five or a reassuring squeeze. It is used in so many contexts and to express so many feelings; love, friendship, sadness, worry, joy, happiness. Think of how many times a day you touch someones hand or brush past someone on the train or at work. It's not always something we are aware of but for someone who doesn't like contact the littlest touch could be a bigger deal than you think.

The 'A' word

First I want to talk about the 'A' word.

Autism, and Aspergers, wasn't something I was very common with until I met my partner.  In college, I studied psychology and all studied all sorts of different 'disabilities'. (I use this term loosely, I hate it. I found out at 16 I was dyslexic, and to prove I could do anything I went to uni and got a 2.1 in Creative Writing and Journalism. Not bad for not being 'disabled'!) Back to the point, I had heard of Autism and Aspergers. But like most people, the first time those words came out of her mouth part of me panicked.

The point of this blog...

So I know that it's Autism Awareness month, and as I am writing this I'm wearing the only "Silly Socks" I could find for Autism Anglia's Silly sock day.

Recently I read a very powerful blog by Alex Marshall all about living with Asperger Syndrome. His honest approach to the difficulties of living with Aspergers really hit home. It's difficult to imagine what it is like, but the power of his writing really helped to give an insight into how he see's the world. In response, I wanted to write from another perspective... that's where "Loving (Aspergers) You" comes in.

For the last 5 months I have been in a relationship with an amazing girl with Aspergers. (Yes, I know I'm in a same sex partnership, but this is neither the point or the purpose of this blog.) What can I say, a relationship with someone who has social challenges is different. It's not always a walk in the park, but no relationship is ever easy. And so, here I am writing an honest and frank blog, to give an insight into my life and the triumphs and tantrums of being in love with someone with Aspergers.